Bittersweet Irony
by hyperbole77
Summary: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or, does it just make lust more irresistible? Lily and James Lily and Peter. A semi short story on the power of true love and destiny.
1. Prologue

**Song(s):** Promise by Matchbook Romance

**Dedication:** The prologue is dedicated to my Uncle Joe. It was his young death that gave me the perspective for James' character. He died a little over a year ago, when I wrote this prologue.

**Author's Note-** So, you have stumbled upon Bittersweet Irony. I hope that this doesn't let you down. At this time, I have up to chapter two already written, and the entire story planned out. It is a short prologue, and as the story progresses, the chapter lengths increase. You can expect chapter one, hopefully, by Monday. However, don't hold it against me because I have midterms and need to study. Again, I hope you enjoy and I would appreciate any reviews/constructive criticism.

_And now I present to you,_

**The Prologue to Bittersweet Irony**

**-------------------------------------------------------**

The rain slid down the compartment window slowly, slightly obscuring James' vision to the outside world. Not that it would've helped. He felt lost, like nothing that had and was happening to him was real. He was the star of the movie that was his life, and watching open-mouthed as the terrible turn of plot took place.

"James?" He looked up for the first time in hours. It was Lily, poking her head into the compartment tentatively. She seemed to be debating something in her mind, careful not to say anything that would get him upset. "Erm- How are you doing?"

He shrugged, looking back out the window, waiting for this moment to pass and his movie to continue on to the next dramatic thing.

He didn't even flinch as she sat down next to him, uncertainly taking his hand.

"She wouldn't have wanted you to be moping around..."

"How do _you_ know what the fuck she would've wanted?" He snapped. His temper had been responding quickly lately. "Just- leave me alone."

She wordlessly got up and left the compartment. She leaned against the door for a moment, tears sliding down her cheeks. "_Why do I love you…"_ she muttered, and wiped the tears from her cheeks before going to find her friends.

The first person she came across was Peter Pettigrew. Peter was one of James' best friends; one-fourth of the group called 'Marauders,' named after their knack for causing trouble. However, he wasn't like his three other friends; Peter didn't have natural magical talent, or a charming smile. He had to work for his grades, no matter how bad they were, and watch as his friends went out on dates and hooked up with girls without him. Lily always had and always will have a soft spot for the marauder who never quite fit into the puzzle.

"Lily? You alright?" he asked.

Lily nodded, but at the same time, tears leaked from her eyes, and she let out a sob, running into Peter's arms.

"Don't worry; James is absolutely taken with you. He's just… going through a rough time right now," he said, reading between the lines and guessing what happened.

"I know, I just wish he'd open up to me," she mumbled into his shoulder. He stroked her hair calmingly. "God, I feel like I'm living in an alternate reality. Last year at this time _he_ was chasing _me._ Now I know how he felt…"

"Feels," Peter corrected her sternly.

"Whatever…"

"So, are you excited for Sirius'?"

Lily looked up, clearly confused. "Sirius' what?"

Peter's eyes grew wide. "Oh, I mean… his new apartment… are you excited to see it? Because I'm sure you will sometime. Not next week though, theirs nothing going on next week…"

Lily slumped against the corridor wall as the train picked up speed around a bend. "Pete, Sirius is having a party, isn't he?"

"What? No!" But his watery eyes told her otherwise.

"James is going to this party, am I correct?"

"Lily, I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't invited to any parties…"

"Yeah, and neither was I. Thanks for the effort, but you're a terrible lier."

Peter looked at his feet, his hands fidgeting with the sleeves of his robes. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, 'course I am. I'm just… going to go find Elle…"

"Oh, okay. Make sure to say 'bye before you leave!"

"Yeah, of course."

**-Promise by Matchbook Romance-**

Lily stood with her trunk by her side, her pillow in her arms. The clouds loomed overhead, threatening to let its raindrops fall. Lily wanted them to. Everything else was falling, why shouldn't they? At the very least it would disguise the tears that threatened to fall down her forgotten cheeks.

"Lily!"

She turned around, clutching her pillow, but a smile breaking on her face. "Hey…" she whispered.

James walked over to her, his hands shoved in his pockets. Lily noticed he avoided looking into her eyes.

"Listen, we need to talk."

Lily looked at him expectantly. No shit, that's why he told her to meet him here. She already knew what it was about. She had heard…

"I'm… leaving. Only for awhile. Sirius' uncle died, remember, and left him all that money. A shit load, actually. He bought a place… Remus and Peter are coming with us…"

"Remus and Peter my ass," Lily mumbled, careful not to let James hear her. She didn't want to get Peter in trouble. "How long will you be there?"

"A bit."

"Alright, maybe I can come-"

"Its kind of a guy thing…"

"A guy thing?" Lily asked skeptically

"Prongs! Lets go, man," they both heard Remus signal to him.

James ran a hand through his hair, and for just a moment looked into Lily's eyes. She saw something flicker through his emotions. Was it regret? Sadness? She couldn't tell… but it was gone a second after it had come.

"W-will you write me?" She stammered out, pleading with her lip to stop quivering. She didn't know what all of this meant, but she knew it wasn't good, and felt a familiar barrier begin to form.

"I don't know," James said, again not looking at her.

"You don't know? James I'm your fucking girlfriend!"

James just shrugged and ran his hand through his hair again. The heavens had opened up and the rain had finally fallen. Just in time.

"Are we… breaking up?" She asked, tentatively.

"You could call it that. Just for awhile at least."

"Well how long is that?" Lily's voice was clogged with the tears that were stinging her eyes. They were hot tears, burning her as they rolled down her cheeks.

"I don't know."

"God damnit James, what _do_ you know?"

"That… I can't be here anymore. That I need some time. To morn, to forget, I… don't know. I just need some time."

"Potter! Are you coming or not?" Sirius' voice screamed from a cab off to the side of the road.

He looked to Lily and for a brief second kissed her cheek. "Take care of yourself, love."

James didn't mean to blame Lily for his mother's death. They were out on a date. Sure, Lily had insisted on it being in a muggle movie theatre, but there was no way that she could have known what was going to happen that night. If they had stayed at James' house like he wanted, he would've been able to at least _try_ to help his mom.

He didn't outright blame her for Voldemort's murder, but for weeks he felt a squirm of anger when he looked at her. He could no longer look into those deep emerald eyes, the ones that made him fall so deeply for her. He hadn't looked anyone in the eye since his mom's death. He never wanted to see any more eyes except hers. James missed her eyes every second of every day. The beautiful hazel eyes that they so dearly shared.

But he shouldn't blame Lily for all of that. He knew he shouldn't. Nor should he blame her for not knowing the wonderful Mrs. Potter as he had before she passed. He didn't blame anyone but himself. He should've been there… to protect her.

He shouldn't have agreed with going to the movie theatre, where he couldn't be reached, when killings like that happened all the time. He should've treated Lily with more respect. He should've done _so_ much more that year to keep their love from falling. He should've done so many things… but instead he was left doing nothing but watching his god damned life unfold around him.


	2. Chapter 1: The First Snow of the Season

**Disclaimer:** I recognize that all plot and characters in the Harry Potter and MWPP world belong to the brilliant J.K. Rowling, and that I only own the plot you do not recognize as her own.

**Dedication:** This chapter is dedicated to one of my best friends, Jayna. Thanks for being there for me through everything that's going on! You're one of the few people I still trust in the world, and I'm so grateful for your friendship. Love you! xo

**Reviews:** Sasha! My first and only reviewer! I can't believe how quickly you found this, and thank-you so much for it! Jesus, you've been with me since freaking Only Hope! Love you!

**Song:** It's Been a While by Staind

**Author's Note-** This is the chapter where we begin to see the relationship between Lily and Peter. Again, I can't stress it enough, if you are going to read this chapter with a closed mind about how gross and impossible this pairing is, please just don't read the chapter at all. Rather, if you read it with an open mind you will be able to see _why_ Lily choose to be with Peter, and how she is struggling with that decision. Constructive Criticism is good, remarks about how gross the pairing is, are bad. It's not my favorite chapter at all, and it was difficult to write, but it was definitely necessary to the plot of the story. Thanks for reading!

_Coming soon – actually now – to a fan fiction site near you,_

**Chapter One of Bittersweet Irony: The First Snow of the Season**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

December first had to be Lily Evan's favorite day of the year. It was the day where the Thanksgiving season officially ended, and the Christmas season officially began. It was the day where the beautiful 27-year-old could be found outside hanging colorful light fixtures on her house. It was the day where beautifully thick snow flurries spiraled down from the cloud-covered December sky. It was the day where her life truly began.

There were two things in the world that Lily loved above all else. They were Christmas and snow. No matter what tragedy was happening in her life, they were the two things she knew she could count on to stay pure and joyful.

It was a rare occasion when it actually snowed on December first. That's how Lily knew this season would be extra special.

She strung the lights out on her bushes as perfectly as she could. The wind was blowing the snow around, making the visibility low despite the minimal amount of accumulation actually on the ground. She would look over towards the street, imagining a handsome gentleman galloping toward her in a white stallion. Despite all her efforts not to think about it, she wanted to be swept off her feet. She longed for _some_ kind of excitement in her life.

To somebody who wasn't acquainted with this special red head, they would never guess that she already had a boyfriend.

He had a round, boyish face, the kind of person who didn't change much appearance-wise. He had the same bright blue eyes, blonde hair, and chubby figure he did as a boy. In Lily's eyes, he was adorable. He was the kind of guy who was always around to give a hug if needed.

So why was she thinking these things? She didn't know. They had been together for a couple years now, and maybe it was just that the spark was starting to diminish. She loved Peter Pettigrew with all of her heart, but the magic just wasn't there anymore.

Walking over toward the porch, Lily let the rest of the Christmas lights drop in her hands. It was late afternoon and the smell of firewood was fresh in the air. Her stomach tossed idly, as it was growing close to dinner time, and she picked an icicle off the porch overhang, sucking the water out of it.

It was one of her favorite pastimes, sucking on icicles. Peter would laugh at her, calling it childish, but it was a comfort to her. She remembered all the times when she and her childhood friend Leslie would sit in snow banks sucking on icicles. They were the good old days, when everything was simple. Friends were friends, boys were gross, parents were wise, and icicles made everything better. When she was upset, or just generally contemplative, she would sit on her front stoop and suck on the icicles, telling herself things would get better eventually, even if they did get worse in the mean time.

"Lily?" She looked up and smiled at the sight of her boyfriend.

"Hey…" She replied quietly.

"What's wrong?" He sat down on the stoop next to her, sliding his arm around her tiny waist.

"Mmm, nothing. Just… thinking…"

"About?"

Lily looked into his eyes with a sly look on her face. "Us…"

He smiled and kissed her forehead. "I'm going to go run out and get Chinese for dinner. What do you want?"

"Split a poo poo platter?"

Peter made a face at her. She laughed "Fine, lo mein please." He smiled and kissed her cheek one more time before apparating away.

She loved Peter, she really did. He was great and knew her inside out. They were just falling into a lump… doing the same old thing day after day. They would spend so much time planning their future together; it sometimes felt like they were abandoning their past.

Not that Lily really minded…

Christmas music played softly in the background as the couple ate their Chinese food on the couch of their comfortable family room. It was decorated nicely with Lily's holiday touch here and there. Their fantastic tree was in the corner, full of garland and special ornaments they had collected over the years.

"So, what do you want to do tonight?" Peter asked, taking a bite of his dinner.

Lily smiled, looking around the room thoughtfully. "Something… different…"

"Like, you mean go out?" he asked.

"No, just something different." Lily smiled brightly as a thought came to mind. "Do you want to look at old pictures from Hogwarts?"

Peter looked at her hesitantly. "Isn't that a rather touchy subject?"

Lily looked down at her hands. He was right, it was, but for some reason Lily didn't have a problem dwelling on her past right now. She needed to remember, to figure out what her true feelings for Peter were. She had never really let go; in her heart she was still waiting for _him_ to come back. But as things started to get more serious with Peter, it was only fair to both of them to let go. She needed to move on like he undoubtedly had.

"No, not at all."

He smiled and got up off the couch, taking her finished carton with him into the kitchen. "Where is it?" he called back.

"I'll get it!" She pushed her afghan aside and walked down the hallway to the room she and Peter shared. She opened her sock drawer and shifted things around until she found the photo album filled with all the pictures she had taken in her last couple of years at Hogwarts.

She cautiously took it out and opened it up, the first thing to catch her eye a picture of her and James Potter in the common room.

James Potter was what made her past so dreadful, yet at the same time so incredibly wonderful. Lily went out with him at the end of their sixth year at Hogwarts. You could say what they had was serious for awhile. James was the most understanding person she had known at the time. He worked hard at his studies, but saved more than enough time to have fun. Well, until…

"Did you find it?" Peter called, giving her a start. She quickly slipped the picture out of the album and put it in her jean pocket before he walked in. "I made a fire, do you want to go sit in the family room and look? It'd be cozy."

Lily smiled, turning her bright emerald eyes to look into his, startled to see that they weren't hazel, but blue. Why had she thought for that split second that James was with her now?

"Yeah, that'd be nice." She held onto Peter's hand and sat down with him on the couch.

The Christmas music played away as they flipped idly through the pages, pointing out a picture here and there. Reminiscing of the good times they had shared with their friends. Every time they would come across a picture of Lily and James together, they each would remain quiet, flipping to the next page. After all, Peter had been best friends with him then. He probably felt like he was betraying him by sitting on the couch with her now.

At least that was how Lily felt. She and James were long over, so she told herself, and he very well could be sitting on a couch with a special somebody right now also. For all she knew, James could be married and have kids that he was tucking in to bed or telling a Christmas story.

"Hey, look at this one…" Peter said, directing her attention to a picture of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, two of Peter and James' best friends at Hogwarts, striking a funny pose for the camera.

Instead of looking at it, Lily's eyes were once again pulled toward a picture of her and James. This one wasn't as friendly. James was sitting at the Gryffindor table, the house they all had belonged too, scoffing at Lily as she pulled him into the picture. That was more of a representation of how the year had been. James had become so distant from everyone but his closest friends.

You see, during their time at Hogwarts, a cruel man had started to come to power. Nowadays, he was well-known and even more feared. His name was Voldemort. He hated people, and loved to kill. Unfortunately, in the summer before their seventh year at Hogwarts, James' mother became one of his numerous victims.

James had never been the same.

There were _countless_ times when Lily tried to get him to open up to her, but every time she failed. Ultimately, he had left her. She had put everything into what they had, and when he left her… she had nothing else left.

She looked into the fireplace. She missed him. A lot. No matter how much she told herself she was over him, he was always in the back of her mind. Every time she kissed Peter, she would silently compare it to her and James's. She missed the way he smelt, the way he tasted, the way he looked at her, she even missed the way he ignored her. He was her drug in this intoxicating life she led. But she didn't have him, she had Peter. And no matter how horrible it sounded, she had to make do with him.

He was great, he really was. People learned to love each other. If they could do it, so could she. All she needed to forget was the 'tall dark and handsome' that had recently taken to haunting her thoughts.

**-Its been a while by Staind-**


	3. Chapter 2: Dizzy

**Songs:** Someday We'll Know by Mandy Moore and Jon Foreman; Sun bye Mae; Crooked Teeth by Death Cab for Cutie; and We Looked Like Giants, also by Death Cab for Cutie

**Dedication:** This chapter is dedicated to my sister at heart, Emily; my best friend for LIFE. I know you'll always be there, just like you've been in the past. I can count on you to always be straightforward and honest with me, and to always make me laugh. The memories are endless. I love you hun.

**Reviews**-Sasha-> haha I think I remember the mature ones... I'll have to wait a couple years before I read those. haha. but didn't you have a couple PG ones, if I remember correctly? And 20-years-old! Happy Belated Birthdayyy! We just celebrated my brother's 21st. Thanks for reviewing! And I'm glad you're okay with Peter in this. Their will be a couple scenes in chapters to come where his character definitely pulls at the heart strings. I try to keep everything as closely related to the books as I can... so he does turn evil. But ah! I shall say no more. X

Chelsea-> Well, thank-you very much! D My English teacher would beg to differ, after my English midterm essay. -eek. But, I'm glad you liked it! Hope to hear from you in the future!

Ulitheal-> Thanks for reviewing, darling! Hmm, will Lily and James get back together? Well, I imagine that they'll have to if they are going to have Harry. But, we'll have to see! O.o I'm glad you liked it!

**Disclaimer:** I recognize that all plot and characters in the Harry Potter and MWPP world belong to the brilliant J.K. Rowling, and that I only own the plot you do not recognize as her own.

**Author's Note: **This chapter has been one of the chapters that has been significantly rewritten and reworked from the old version of Bittersweet Irony. Hopefully, you'll be able to see that my writing matured a bit more from the time I wrote this chapter compared to the last. It's also the most important chapter in Bittersweet Irony, in my opinion, which is why its the longest so far. Expect a bit of a break between this chapter and the third. I haven't actually written the third chapter yet, and I've got some projects that need to be worked on for school. But, I hope you enjoy! Oh, and also, their will be a Lily and James one-shot up soon that I wrote for a contest at Scrivenshaft Challenge. Once its up, I'd love it if you could check it out and give some constructive criticism- its my first ever one shot.

_And without further ado,_

**Chapter Two of Bittersweet Irony: Dizzy**

Lily couldn't remember much about the rest of her night with Peter. After looking through pictures of Hogwarts they had sat in an awkward silence, both immersed in their own thoughts until well into the night. All she knew was that she woke up the next day with a huge headache. She also noted that the air had a sharper chill to it then when she had gone to bed the night before. Despite the crispness, the heavy tension was still perfectly placed on top of her heart.

Rubbing her big, green eyes, she slid out of bed, careful not to disturb the sleeping figure next to her, and immediately pulled her warm robe around her. She walked over to the window to take a peek outside, like she did every morning.

The sky was falling in the form of large, clumpy, snowflakes. Already there was an inch or so more on the ground than yesterday.

"Hunni! Wake up!" she squealed, running over to her handsomely sleeping boyfriend.

"Mm? What 'appened?" he slurred.

Lily's face split open with a smile as she dragged him to the window. "It's snowing!"

"Mm, Awesome… very good. Can I go back to bed now?"

Lily rolled her eyes and playfully shoved him toward the bed. "Fine, then, Mr. Grinch," she called over to him, "I'll go into town and enjoy it myself."

"Have a good time!" he said, his voice muffled by his pillow.

Lily giggled and quickly got dressed into a pair of light rinsed jeans and a beige sweater. She combed out her hair and pulled her black jacket on and matching beige scarf. Locking the door behind her, she joyfully left the warm house. No matter how she felt last night, on this beautifully snowy morning she couldn't help but feel happy.

Early shoppers lined the street as Lily turned the corner. Instantly her surroundings took a dramatic change from residential to strictly shopping and quaint cafés. Lily loved to take morning walks down this street, watching the other people, and guessing their stories.

Often, if it was nice out, she would grab a cup of coffee and sit outside. She was fascinated with people. How differently everyone walked, talked, and even held their packages. On this snowy Tuesday, Lily decided to have breakfast in one of the small restaurants. It was a treat she normally saved for special, pre-Christmas days.

She walked into one of her favorite little places, Sparkling Café, and seated herself in a booth near the window.

It was a comfortable place. The pastel-colored walls made you feel peaceful and serene, no matter what was going on in your life. It had the kind of aura where you didn't feel awkward sitting by yourself. You got the feeling that you were understood; that everyone there was at ease.

"Hello there, what can I get for you on this _fine_ morning?"

Lily looked up at her waiter and smiled. "Hot chocolate and blueberry pancakes, please."

"Anything for a pretty lady." He smiled and walked away, getting her order.

Lily stared out the window, fiddling anxiously with her napkin. Last night was so strange. Lately she had been doing a lot of thinking. She constantly considered her life and where it was taking her. If the road she was heading down was the right one for her.

Every time she and Peter would get into a fight, she would vainly think James would have treated her better.

It was a painful realization when she remembered she wouldn't have; like a slap across the face. She would forget his bitterness. Sometimes when she'd wake up in the morning, it would surprise her to see Peter making her coffee and not James.

Then there were times when it took every ounce of strength she had not to condemn him. They were the times she'd think what she had done wrong and why he had left. Everything was left so unfinished and she was left to linger on… hoping beyond belief he'd come back for her, like her prince, riding up on his white stag. What would she say, and how would Peter react?

**-Someday We'll Know by Jon Foreman and Mandy Moore-**

But she needed to let go- to get his heroic picture out of her head. James Potter was her past, Peter Pettigrew was her future. She just needed to get him out of her head . . .

The waiter brought over her order, interrupting her thoughts.

"Thank-you," she said, picking up her fork and knife and starting to cut into her breakfast.

"I hope this isn't too forward or anything. . . _but_ you have the single most beautiful smile I have ever seen."

Lily looked up, seeing the waiter leaning casually against the opposite end of her booth, his arms crossed across his chest in a would-be seductive manner.

"Are you hitting on me?" she asked incredulously.

He laughed, "Well, that all depends, is it working?"

Lily smiled sideways at him, "I've already got enough on my plate."

"Then, at least let me cover this."

"What? My dinner? That's alright, really."

"No, no… its on me."

"You're still trying to hit on me!" Lily exclaimed, laughing.

"Yes. Yes, I am, actually. Is it working now?"

Lily laughed, "Can't say that it is."

"Ok, ok… how much do you want?" He asked, taking out his wallet.

"What!" Lily's laughter rose as he handed her a crisp twenty dollar bill. "You're paying me? That's-"

"-bribery?"

"-prostitution!"

"See, not if you call it bribery."

"Unbelievable!" She said, shaking her head.

"Come on, one cup of coffee. You think I'm sexy."

She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Cute?"

Nothing.

"Adorable?"

Still, Lily stared at him trying not to laugh.

"You Miss-"

"Evans."

"-Evans, God I swear I know that name. Well, Miss Evans, you must be the single most frustratingly wonderful girl I have ever met. Congratulations, you _must_ be touched."

"Oh, I am-"

"Ant! Stop pretending to work and come give your big brother a hug!"

The waiter, who Lily assumed was Ant, turned to leave and greet a man who had just walked in. Lily looked down at her hands, suddenly fascinated with her fingers.

Ant called out to his boss and untied his apron, leaving it on the counter. He was leaving with the man that had walked in, and Lily couldn't help but feel slightly dejected. Another waiter came and brought her the breakfast she had ordered.

"Enjoy!" He said cheerfully. Lily wished she would get hit on again.

After paying for her breakfast, which Ant had forgotten to do in his abrupt departure, Lily walked home.

The sky had begun to open up and snow again. It was soft and gentle, like their voices as they talked. The snowflakes made everyone slow down, take a breath, and look around them; one of the true majesties of the Christmas season.

Lily's distracted mind didn't notice the eccentric old man peddling lemons in front of her until it was too late.

Their collision caused her to fall to the ground, conveniently on top of him and his damned lemons. "Oh jeez!" She exclaimed, quickly getting off of him. "I am _so_ sorry. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm alright. Watch where you're going, girl," he muttered, making sporadic grabs for his lemons.

"Yeah, sorry…" Lily kneeled down and began to quickly help him in his attempt to save his out-of-place treats.

"Lils?"

"_James, why do you call me Lils?" They were cuddling in the common room, well past the time any other seventh year student should be up._

"_Because, everyone calls you Lily," he replied, tenderly kissing her neck._

_She closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into his arms. "So?"_

"_I'm not everyone. Plus, Lils is more beautiful… describes you better."_

Lily's head snapped up. Nobody called her Lils but. . .

"Well, well, well… if it isn't Lily Evans."

It was him.

Her face turned hot, her heartbeat raced, and snowflakes stung her face.

It was James Potter,_ the_ James Potter, the man that had haunted her thoughts for years. He was standing nearly ten feet away from her. God's personal masterpiece so close she could make out his every detail. The dancing of his eyes as he surveyed the scene around her, the smile tugging at his lips, and the worried crease in his forehead that had been a permanent addition since their seventh year at Hogwarts.

It took Lily 5 minutes to pull herself together and close her mouth.

"… hi…" she was breathless, and her lips were dry; whatever moisture had been in them was now being used on her throat- forcing her to speak.

James ran his hand through his hair. "How… ahem… are ya?"

"F-fine."

The man grabbed the lemon she forgot she was holding out of her hand, muttered something about "damn young people having no respect for old war heroes," and stalked off. Lily realized she was on all fours and quickly jumped to her feet, her legs soaked in snow from the knees down.

"I, uh, better go… I was on my way to the – uh – grocery store. They probably won't be open much later with this weather…" She turned to try to leave, but James rushed forward.

"Wait! Don't!"

"… it was really good to see you," Lily continued, ignoring his calls, getting fired up now._ "Maybe we can catch up again after another ten years…"_

"Lily!"

"… but don't worry, James, I don't expect much!"

"Please, just hear me out!" He was desperately trying to catch up with her, but she was determined not to be caught. If he could disappear, so could she; it was his turn to be left helplessly. After all, he had left her so effortlessly… caring so little.

"I've changed, I promise!" He yelled, pleadingly.

"You're right, you did change, and you changed into a complete and utter _bastard_!"

"You're right, I was, and you deserve an explanation; an explanation that I am fully prepared to give you."

The scene they were creating had begun to acquire stares from the remaining people on the streets. And what a scene it was; Lily practically running down the street, James rushing behind, both exchanging heated words as they moved.

"… I'm sure you do have a speech ready! Good old James Potter, so charismatic, he could even get McGonagall to believe his _fucking lies…"_

"They aren't lies!"

"Please.."

"Fine, they were then… but this time it's different! This time _I'm_ different!"

"Why should I believe you?"

"I-I blamed you, alright? For… her death. My mom's."

Lily stopped dead in her tracks, and James right behind her. He studied her back, hoping for any signs of recognition or understanding, and expecting signs of hurt and guilt.

After a few moments of the wind blowing her hair around, and the snow flecking its auburn color with white, Lily moved towards the street curb and sat down wordlessly.

"Lily."

James sat next to her, careful not to get too close and cross that invisible barrier. Her hair shielded her face from him, but he knew it was streaked with tears.

"What can you say after hearing something that," she said after a few moments, barely audible over the howling of the wind.

James had no response, so instead he said, "I really do want to talk. And if you'd just give me a chance to explain…"

Lily nodded and wiped her eyes. "Just give me a minute to make a phone call."

"Ok, I'll be right here."

Lily quickly walked to the nearest phone booth. She picked up the receiver and hesitantly dialed her number.

"Hello?" Peter answered.

"Pete, hey."

"Lily? How long are you going to be shopping? The ice rink opened today, I was thinking we could head over."

"I'm actually going to be gone for the rest of the day…"

"Are you okay? You sound upset?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. The weather's… terrible… it's just giving me the sniffles."

"Oh okay…"

"I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm going to go to my mother's for dinner and not to wait up, I'll probably be back." The perfect excuse. This way, she had as much time with James as she needed, and if she was back early she could invent a fight between her mother and her, since the two fought regularly.

"Your mothers?"

"Yeah…"

"Why?"

"I, uh, ran into Petunia," her horse of a sister, "and she invited me. You know Petunia, she doesn't take no for an answer."

"Oh, well, I'll come too, our fridge is-"

"No!"

"No?"

"No… uhm… its more of a family thing, Vernon isn't going, just me my mom and Petunia."

"Lily, are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine, but I gotta go, love you!"

She hung up and closed her eyes. A lie. Just a simple lie. At least, that's what she told herself. She reached into her jean pocket and pulled out the picture she had hid there last night. She noticed how easily Lily used to fit inside of James' arms, and how his towering height had allowed him to rest his chin on the top of her head. They looked so… _happy_… together. A happiness Lily hadn't seen in herself since then. It was this fact alone that pushed her to go back to James that moment.

**-Sun by Mae-**

She walked alone down the street to where James was, her head swimming with thoughts. They were happy and sad, and flooding into her mind so rapidly she felt like she was going to lose control and drown in the dizziness they caused her.

Then she turned the corner and saw him. James Potter could do that to you; make you forget all sense and reason.

"You ready?" he asked, getting up from the curb.

She smiled and nodded.

They walked down the street slowly. The tension between the two was so heavy you could cut it with a knife. They were both so immersed in their own thoughts, that neither thought to speak.

Finally, after they had been walking for over ten minutes, and Lily's nose was so cold she feared frostbite, she broke the silence. "So, where are we going?"

"Well, my dad's place is only a block away. I figured we could go there and have a drink," James replied.

"A drink sounds good."

**-Crooked Teeth by Death Cab for Cutie-**

Lily Evans was beautiful. Her eyes held so much green, and were compacted so tightly in her iris, that they could pierce you like a bullet, right through the heart. She had auburn-red hair far more precious than any other James had ever seen. It was full and curly and smooth, and begged to be touched.

James was captivated by her.

"Changed much?" he asked, forcing himself not to stare at her.

"Mm… not at all," she said with a small smile, gently touching his mother's glass ballerina figurette. "Just as I remember…"

"Dad? Jill?" James called, moving through the apartment in search of his family, while shrugging out of his jacket.

Lily walked over to the mantelpiece. It was crowded with a bunch of pictures of James and his family. This was also familiar to her, except for the actual photographs which had changed along with its occupants. She noticed one of James' younger sister, Jill. She was younger here, probably around four- or five-years-old. The young girl smiled and waved at her, the black corkscrew curls bouncing on top of her head. Lily was then drawn to a large, framed, picture of Mrs. Potter. It was in the middle of the mantelpiece, and all the other pictures seemed to revolve around it. Appropriate, considering all of the Potters' lives had been revolving around her since her death.

"For you…" James said, entering the room.

Lily looked over; James was carrying a tray with two wine glasses. "Red wine? My favorite."

He handed her a glass, and she took a sip. The sour hint of alcohol made her purse her lips, but as the strength of it faded, the sweet taste of grapes lingered. Wine had always been a reminder for Lily to look past the surface of things, for first impressions are not always the most accurate.

She looked up to meet James' gaze. He was watching her again.

"Is something wrong?" She asked, slightly colder than she had intended to.

"I was just thinking…" he walked closer to her.

"of?" Her breath quickened. He was close enough that she had to shift her gaze between his eyes.

"How I could have ever left you."

Lily felt uncomfortable. The love she had felt for James surged through her veins like she had discovered it for the first time, and her instincts were screaming for her to act. But her brain was outweighing her heart, and quickly building up a wall to keep James out. The two battled ferociously inside of her. He had stolen her heart right out of her chest… and just seeing him again she felt like she was getting some of it back. But, should she? Would he treat it with the same carelessness he had when they were teenagers?

At Lily's lack of response, James backed away, looking defeated. Her brain had won that battle, but the war was far from over.

"So, do you want to change out of those pants? You must be freezing…"

"Oh!" In the moment of it all, Lily had forgotten her legs were soaking with snow. "Yeah, that'd be great."

James disappeared once again from the room, emerging moments later with a pair of men's pajama pants; presumably, his.

Lily took them gratefully and went into his bedroom to change. Feeling curious, she looked around after she had slid them on. Like the house, James' room hadn't changed a bit. He still had posters of famous Quidditch stars on his walls, and a fireplace that was hooked into the Floo Network. It was messy, cluttered, and small… but she knew that James loved it that way.

James knocked on the door, startling Lily. He opened it slowly.

"How are they?" He asked, scrutinizing Lily's appearance. He laughed at how they were practically falling off of her.

"A bit big, but at least their dry." She said, also giggling at how hilarious she looked.

"Of course, they look toasty on you…" He began to come forward again, and Lily's brain gathered the troops. "So, about before…" He was much, much too close for comfort. His hand grazed Lily's cheek, burning the spot like fire. The troops quickly snuffed it, and spit words from her mouth in retaliation.

"_Fucking bloody wan-_" But before she could speak another word of protest, James' mouth was on hers, giving her a kiss so fiery and passionate her mind was burnt to a crisp, and she melted in his arms.

He pulled away slightly, just enough to look into her eyes. His hands held her face, as if he was scared to let go.

"God, you have no idea how long I've wanted to do that…"

"And you have no idea how long I've wanted _you_ to do that…"

But before James could head in for another attack, Lily's head had regrouped, and started a preemptive strike.

"But James, its too late."

"Its… come again?"

"Late. Too late." She swallowed, and stepped away from him, gaining the confidence to let her words come out. "What did you want me to do? Lie around and wait ten years for you? Well, stupid me, I did wait. I'd stay awake all night, afraid that if I slept I'd miss a letter from you, or a visit. The weeks turned into months, and I realized that you weren't coming back. I'd stare, gazing hopelessly into the fire, praying to God, asking… _begging…_ him to tell me why you had to leave. _Every night_ I'd ask him what it was, what I had done so wrong in life to not deserve you...

"And then you show up unannounced and tell me the reason you left me, literally, standing alone in the rain was because you blamed me for the murder of your mother. How do you expect me to feel? How can you honestly believe that we can pick up where we left off after something like that? Do you think I'm stupid?"

"Of course I don't I-"

"Oh, I'm not am I? Then why'd I stay with you! You fucking treated me like I was _nothing_! Lower than dirt. Just the girl you happened to be seeing. Just your regular Hogwarts slut…"

James cut her off. "Never. You meant everything to me-"

"Then why didn't you tell me before?

"Are you kidding me? I was scared to death! You scared me in the most bittersweet way possible. If I told you, I'd break your heart. I'd never want to break your heart. Doing that would be like… breaking my own heart - Suicide, even. No… it was much easier to run."

"But James… _God_… you killed me so much more by running…"

"I know," he whispered, "that's why I never came back – until now. I had to wait until the vision of you crying faded from my mind." Her heart was trying to overtake her mind with such vehemence, it beat strong and hard in her throat. " I _have_ changed, and I _was_ stupid. I'd like a chance to redeem myself… if you'll let me."

"I don't know, I mean how can I possibly look at you after knowing what you saw when you looked at me…"

"We don't have to look at each other. We can get through this blindly. Sight just screws everything up."

"But without seeing, how do we know what is the truth?"

"Love - our love - it's always right."

In one swift movement, James was kissing Lily for the second time, with twice the amount of passion as hid previous kiss. All the brain power in the world couldn't stop Lily from returning that passion in equal amounts of intensity and need.

All of Lily's walls were torn down in that moment. She was left defenseless, with her heart on her sleeve, just as vulnerable as she had been the night James had left her. With this vulnerability, and James' desire to prove his love to her, things escaladed quickly.

Clothing was discarded and skin was felt, then tasted. Hair was gripped, and bodies pressed. Everything else was forgotten but what was going on in that moment. Love filled the room.

**-We looked Like Giants by Death Cab for Cutie-**


	4. Chapter 3: Philosopher in Meditation

**Songs:** All You Wanted by Michelle Branch; On Fire by Switchfoot

**Disclaimer:** I recognize that all plot and characters in the Harry Potter and MWPP world belong to the brilliant J.K. Rowling, and that I only own the plot you do not recognize as her own. Also, the painting described in the second paragraph is by Rembrandt, called Philosopher in Meditation hence then chapter name.

**Reviews:** Chelsea- That has to be the biggest compliment anyone has ever given me. When you said it made your day a little bit better I appreciate the support so much.

**Author's Note:** Pay close to the lyrics of the first song. It may not seem very related right now, but it will be key in future chapters.

_And without further ado,_

**Chapter Three of Bittersweet Irony: Philosopher in Meditation**

The Snow was old now, discolored by the imperfections in the air; it hadn't snowed since the first of the month. Still, the sun made everything look breathtaking. People walked along the sidewalk, holding hands, and enjoying their seemingly uncomplicated lives.

Lily Anne Evans was sitting in an overpriced chair, in an office full of ornate furniture. It smelled of Lysol and sterile sheets, yet was painted a deep maroon color, with walls covered in bookshelves and painting, a rich mahogany grandfather clock showcased by the big bay window. One painting in particular caught Lily's eye. It was of a man sitting underneath a winding staircase with another tending to the fire. She felt a connection to the man; he looked so helpless where he sat. From the window shone bright yellows and oranges. She wanted to walk into the painting and lift the man's gaze out that window, as if that would somehow cure him of his melancholy. Perhaps this was the connection she shared with the old man, for she also needed saving.

Almost three weeks had passed since she had reunited with James. Almost _three_ weeks had passed since she snuck out of his house, careful not to wake either him or his father or younger sister. _Almost three weeks had passed_, and she hadn't received so much as a letter or phone call.

Her red hair was pulled back into a simple pony-tail, soft curled tendrils falling into her eyes. She was wearing a pair of light-rinsed jeans and a pink top. Her black pea-coat was hanging over the back of the chair that curled up like a medieval throne.

"Good morning, Miss Evans."

Lily looked up as her physician walked into the office. She didn't trust healers, and never made the switch from the muggle doctors when she entered the wizarding world.

"Dr. Charmikle," She greeted back.

"How are you Lily?" He asked, rummaging around the papers, looking for her file, and making useless small talk.

"I'm doing well. How are you?"

"Very good, very good. I saw your mother about a month ago, she looks good…"

Lily smiled politely, concealing the fact that this near-stranger had come into more contact with her own mother than she had.

"Now, I understand you are 27-years-old?"

"Yes," she answered politely.

"And you are unmarried?"

"Yes…?"

"Are you sexually active?"

Lily blushed, a memory flashing through her mind of being arisen from slumber by rays of sunlight playing over her face; James' arm wrapped protectively around her midsection. "Why-"

"Lily," he hesitated for a moment, peering uncertainly at her, "You're pregnant."

An eerie silence filled the room as the doctor stared her down, waiting for a reaction. What he received was a blank stare. The grandfather clock chimed as time rolled on. The world seemed to stop in that moment for Lily, but time continued on, paying no mind to the nauseous feeling in Lily's stomach.

The doctor received her silence, and cleared his throat before continuing on with his preferred sexuality speech. "Of course if you've had unprotected sexual intercourse, as your physician I would recommend that you also get tested for Sexually Transmitted Diseases…"

The rest of his words were being drowned out by the ringing in Lily's ears, and the immense pressure suddenly being pressed down against her. She fought to raise her hand slightly and lay it gingerly across her stomach.

"A baby…" she whispered.

-----

**-Michelle Branch, All You Wanted**

Peter, job, pink, Mom, money, Petunia, support, _James_, Abortion, Jillian, father, child, cradle, adoption, Vernon, _onesies_, reputation, blue, Mrs. Dursley, God, Dad…

What the hell was she supposed to do? Her thoughts were a series of frazzled sentences, barely beginning to form in her mind before they ended.

She found herself standing in front of the large window of The Sparkling Café. Not having anything else to do that day, she pushed open the heavy doors and sat down in a booth.

She picked up her menu and opened it up.

Lily was uncomfortable in her own skin. Her flesh crawled every time her mind wandering to thoughts of what was growing inside of her. She felt like she was in a Science Fiction movie; an alien to the outside world.

"What am I doing here…?" She whispered out loud, no longer feeling the same comfort she had extracted from her café-of-choice, as the soft color pallet of the walls now reminded her of a nursery.

"Ordering dinner," A man's voice answered her personal plea. She grudgingly looked above her menu to a face she had seen before. It was the same waiter who'd waited on her the day she was trying the most not to think about.

"Miss Evans, right?" Damnit, he had recognized her.

"Yeah… but I changed my mind, I've lost my appetite…" Lily made a move to grab her coat and head out the door, but the charming waiter abruptly stood in her path.

"Are you a lesbian?" He asked abruptly.

This made Lily stop immediately. "What?"

"You know... do you engage in sexual conduct with other female species?"

Lily stared at him for a moment. The Science Fiction movie she was apparently starring in had just lost its 4-star rating. "Who _are_ you?" She asked incredulously. "You know what I don't care, you've got a lot of nerve…" She attempted to push her way passed him, but he once again prevented her much-needed escape.

"Hey, hey, hey, I didn't mean to offend you, all right! I was just… trying to be charming."

"Well, you're doing one _heck_ of a job. Get out of my fucking-"

"Oh, no you don't." He made another grab for her as she failed a third attempt to leave.

"I'll scream rape," she threatened icily.

"You definitely put a new spin on the term 'fiery red-head'," the waiter snapped frustratingly.

"Yeah, I'm a cold-hearted bitch, so let me go!"

"Not so fast. Not so fast. You're a cold hearted bitch whom I happen to find very attractive and intriguing."

Lily glared at him. "Trust me, you do _not_ want to get involved with me."

"I'm on a break in a half hour. Sit down, have some dinner, and let me join you in a bit."

"You might want to ask my _boyfr-"_ Lily stopped midsentence, not able to continue. Who was her boyfriend? Peter was the obvious choice, but when she had spoken, the picture of James Potter had flashed in her mind instead of her lover of eight months.

The waiter smiled slyly. "I see."

"You see? What do you mean, 'you see', you don't see anything!"

"You're having boyfriend troubles," he replied matter-of-factly. "Craig I'm taking my break now!"

"No you're not," Lily hissed.

"Sit," he commanded her. Having a serious lack of energy, Lily caved and reclaimed her spot in the booth. "Would you like a beer?" He asked looking through the menu.

"Ye-" Lily stopped, feeling something churn in her stomach. "No, no I… no thank-you."

Lily studied the stranger sitting across from her as he signaled the waiter over and placed a drink order. He had olive-colored skin, and Lily wondered if he was of Italian descent, and what brought him to England. He had gray eyes, and a soft face. He turned back to look at her, his mouth as mischievous and unpredictable as the words that spilled from them.

"Who are you?" She wondered aloud.

"Hi," he said, his eyes dancing, "I'm Ant, and I'll be your date tonight."

"Hi," she replied back, "I'm Lily."

"Lily. Lily, Lily, Lily," he said, as if testing the name on his ears. "I like it. So Lily, what is going on with your boyfriend?"

"Trust me; you don't want to know…"

"But, the sad thing is, I do. As I told you before, Lily, you fascinate me. And being a great listener is part of my plan to seduce you."

She sighed. "Well, just to warn you, your plan is about to go up in flames."

"Try me."

Lily gave him a sly smile, and began talking. She told Ant the entire story, complete with all of the great gory details, with the exception of names, in an effort to lead him off her trail. But he was right, the more she talked, the more interested Ant looked. Even when she went into details of her night spent with James Potter, Ant never once looked uncomfortable. Everything Lily knew not to say to a guy, she said, and Ant acted completely unfrazzled.

When she came to the point in her story where she found out she was pregnant, she stopped, and took a large mouthful of water. She didn't think it was appropriate to share this newest development with a man she hardly knew before she even told the father; the man who had half of his DNA prospering inside of her.

Ant also took her silence for a chance to hydrate and took a sip of his beer. "And then, you found out you were pregnant."

Lily looked up. "How… what… _no_…"

"Come on. You refused alcohol, twitched every time a baby cried, and ordered baby carrots as your side-dish for your wrap."

"That doesn't matter… I'm not…"

He gave her a look.

"_I'm not pregnant,"_ she tried to convince him.

"So who's the father?" He asked, ignoring her previous statement.

"If you mean the man I slept with but _am not pregnant from_, his name is James…"

"Ha, I have a brother named James," Ant said conversationally.

"The one who came in here last time I was here?" Lily asked, thanking the waiter as he brought over their dinners.

"Yeah, he's in town for the holidays. I haven't seen him since… a long time."

Lily rolled her eyes, "Must be the name…"

Ant laughed in agreement. "Must be. He dated a Lily while he was schooling…"

Lily offered up her wrap "Too coincidences," she said.

"And new friendships," Ant added, doing the same with his burger.

"So, now that I've spilled my life story… it's your turn."

Ant made a face and munched on one of his golden-fries. "Nah, I think yours was enough for the both of us…"

"But I'm _intrigued _by you!"

Ant sighed, "Fair enough… I'm the middle child of three. I live with my dad and kid sister, my mom's gone now and my sister's taken over the motherly duty. My brother can be kind of a jack-ass sometimes, but he got kind of screwed up… we don't talk about it with him. My dad refuses to even look at another woman, and spends his time looking at old photographs. The same ones every day, mind you. And then there's me! I'm a waiter here, sucking up to my boss like crazy, because one day I hope to take this place over. It's always been my dream to run a restaurant. Once I take over, though, I'm going to upscale it, and its going to be _amazing_."

Lily smiled at him. "So I guess we've both kind of learnt a lesson here."

"And what lesson is that?"

"They don't lie when they say theirs more to a person than meets the eye…"

--

"Hello-o?" Lily called into her empty house. The sun had made its daily trip below the skyline, and the house was cast in darkness and shadows. "Peter?" She called, flicking the light-switch and setting her keys on the small cherry table in the entrance-way.

Not hearing anything, Lily shrugged out of her jacket, and walked into her kitchen. Still, their was no sign of Peter.

"That's strange…" Lily said to nobody in particular, seeing as she was alone in their starter-home. She went over towards her fridge and pulled out the carton of grape-juice, making sure to glare longingly at the bottle of Shiraz calling out to her on the counter.

She was about to walk into the living room when something caught her eye at the window.

"Well, hello there, Daisy…" Lily walked over to the window and let the beautiful golden barn owl fly into the house. Daisy was the owl Lily had ever received as a first-year Hogwarts student. She had been her unconditional best friend, with green eyes spectacular enough to rival her own, and sharp claws instead of a quick tongue.

She took the letter from her beak and read its contents.

_Lily,_

_I'm sorry to miss you, but I was given an opportunity to work an extra shift, and since I didn't know when you'd be back, I took it. My shift is over at 6 a.m. I was hoping we could go out to dinner tomorrow night since I'm leaving for Worcestershire on Wednesday. I'll talk to you more when I get home, just didn't want you to worry or run off again._

_Love,_

_Pete _

Lily sighed and placed the note on the marble counter. Peter had a low-paying job as a secretary in the Ministry of Magic. He hoped to establish relations while working, and some day get a better job in order to support Lily. Until then, the two 20-year-olds relied on his minimal paycheck and Lily's bank account to survive. It wasn't a lot, but enough.

At the prospect of spending another night alone, Lily changed into a more comfortable pair of slacks and let her hair down. She lit a fire and snuggled up with a book she had wanted to read.

As time ticked on and Lily passively turned the pages, her mind began to wander. She tried to keep her mind on the story; on the passionate lust that burnt up the pages and should've left Lily with a fire in her heart. Instead, each scene that spoke of love or scandalous sex sent her mind off on a journey back in time. As the characters interacted, she had conversations in her mind between James, conversations that would lead to joyful reconciliation and a fairy-tale ending.

Finally, when the clock chimed eleven times, Lily closed the book's pages and sat amongst the pillows. She felt anxious and brave in this moment, as a tired mind often makes its occupants.

Lily opened the drawer of the nearest end-table to pull out a piece of parchment and the quill she knew was buried deep inside.

Her intentions? To write a letter to James. To tell him everything that had happened today, and what she was feeling. She wanted to let him know how much of an insensitive jerk he was being, and that she was sick of all his crap. But Lily had no intention on sending this letter to him…

She dipped the quill in the ink, and pressed it to the paper.

_Dear James,_

_So, I didn't want to be the first one to talk to you. My original intention was to play hard to get, and make you chase me for awhile. But truth is I'm sick and tired of all this chasing. All we ever do is run, whether it's toward each other or away. I'm out of breath, and I can't keep going. _

_I know that there are so many reasons why we wouldn't work, and shouldn't work... but I can't help but still want to try. Is it just my romanticism coming through, of wanting to beat the odds? I really don't think so. I don't want to sit around playing it safe, and then once time slips us by wonder what it would've been like if we had only taken that chance. _

_It kills me to say this, but you are everything I've ever wanted in a guy – and I've decided to really put myself out there. So here you go. My heart is on my sleeve for you... do with it what you'd like. You can take it… or we can just continue being friends. But I just kind of need to know if anything will ever happen… because if nothing happens I need to move on, or get over you. But I also want you to know that no matter what, I'll still always be here for you as a friend. I promise. And I hope that it goes both ways – because you have been such a big part of my life, and when I'm not talking to you, I feel incomplete. _

_Before you make your final decision, there is something else you should know. Something… that is very hard for me to tell you. You're the only one I've told since I found out, and I think that it is only appropriate this way. That night that we spent together, more happened than just sex. At my doctor's appointment today, I found out I'm pregnant. And you, James Potter, are the only candidate to be the father, if you catch my drift. _

_I'm sorry that you have to find out about this through a letter, but I didn't know any other way._

_All my love,_

_Lily_

She folded up the letter and set it on the coffee table in front of her, watching the flames dance around in the hearth. The clock chimed twelve times. It was a new day. Sometimes when it gets late, you forget that there are consequences in the morning. You do things that seem like they only matter at night, and that, like a dream, dissipate with the morning dew. If that justifies Lily's impending action, then let it be so. If not, then call it momentary lapse of judgment.

Either way, the green-eyed red head took the letter and brought it over to her owl, watching as it soared off into the nighttime sky.

Love is such a crazy word. So unsure, so… confusing. It's so blind… yet at times it sees more than you want it too. It fills you with such hope and desire and it gets so confused with lust the two seem interchangeable. You know he's out there… you can almost see him reading the letter and putting his hand to his head in disgust. A painful disgust, at what he influenced you to do. A letter is such a simple thing that meant everything to you and so little to him.

Lily didn't know why she sent the letter. Maybe it was love, maybe it was fate, or maybe it was just a fool's hope.

She stood gazing out the window for an hour, wondering what he was thinking right that very moment… if she was crossing his mind regardless of the letter… or if he's reading it now and thinking she was a crazy stalker. Is he plotting? Is he plotting how to break her heart without creating too much damage? Is he hoping that if he hides it in his sock drawer it'll just go away? Is he wishing he could disappear like he has before, and how he got himself into this mess?

"Don't let me down again, James…" Lily whispered to him into the night.

**-On Fire by Switchfoot-**


	5. Chapter 4: The Heart of Existence

**Song(s):** Existentialism on Prom Night by Straylight Run, Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie, and With Arms Wide Open by Creed

**Author's Note-** I'm rather fond of this chapter. I sat down the night after I posted Chapter 3 and just… started writing. I suppose that's when a writer is at their best- when they have the urge to write and the words just flow, instead of forcing themselves to write. So I originally had another scene added into the ending… but I just had no idea how to write it, and each draft came out like crap. SO, I cut it. I hope you enjoy, and if you don't, TELL ME!

_And the drum roll please…_

**Chapter Four of Bittersweet Irony: The Heart of Existence**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------**

For many, the most peaceful time of day is the moment you begin to rise from sleep. It is at this time when you can still hang onto your last lingering dreams and breathe in the first smells of the morning. You're not completely conscious, which allows for an ignorant feeling of peace. In this time, the pressures from the previous day have yet to catch up with the additional agendas to come. It is a time for reminiscence and hope. As the sun peeks its head from the horizon and warms the surrounding air, turning the clouds luscious colors of pinks lavenders and creamy-orange, most people are still fast asleep, unaware of the beauty their laziness causes them to miss.

Lily Evans? She loves to wake up with the sunrise. Her sleeping pattern is set to rise while the sky is dark, and the last stars are clinging to the sky, not ready to give up their spotlight.

She doesn't bother to dress unless she is with company. In the winter, usually the red-head's attire consists of warm long-underwear and her oversized Eskimo ski jacket, a mug of coffee keeping her hands warm.

This time of day is a chance for her to have some down-time. It is on a very rare occasion that she has company. For dawn is a time when Lily can sit on her front step and watch the shadows dance with the skyscrapers in the distance, comforted with the thought that most of the world sleeping. It gives her a sense of power, like she is a mother watching over her sleeping children.

As of late, Lily has neglected her morning dates with dawn. The pressures of middle-class suburbia had finally taken her over, and her natural alarm clock continually opted not to ring. However, as Lily climbed into her empty bed the night before, she remembered to set her alarm. This was one morning she would not oversleep. Her life had taken a chaotic and unsettling turn, and she needed the familiarity of this time of day for comfort.

_When the sun came up  
we were sleeping in  
Sunk inside our blankets  
Sprawled across the bed  
and we were dreaming_

**-Existentialism on Prom Night –**

According to her watch, she should be expecting to hear a familiar _Pop!_ within the next ten minutes, and see her charming yet tired boyfriend standing in front of her.

Time passed, and the darkness slipped away, the stars losing the continuous battle to outshine the sun. The sun, being the closest star, always won. Lily wondered how they keep fighting if they knew they would inevitably lose; she envied their strength and determination. Her breath floated up above her, giving off the illusion that she was smoking. But Lily Evans never smoked; she poisoned herself too much subconsciously to consciously inhale such a thing.

_Pop!_

The sky was already a spectrum of violets and the sun was continually painting more of its canvas as it rose. Disrupting this perfect silhouette was the outline of a man.

"Lily is that you?" He made no attempt to mask his exhaustion. Spending most of the night serving over-worked politicians was not anyone's idea of a fun job… but somebody's got to do it.

"Yeah, it's me."

"What are you doing out here? Aren't you frozen?"

"I was waiting for you…"

"Well that's very sweet of you." He walked over and kissed her on the cheek. His warm breath tingled her frozen skin. "I'm _exhausted_. Do you want to go back to bed?"

"Yeah…" Lily followed him inside. After the sun's initial appearance into the sky, it rises much more quickly; encouraged by the beauty it was creating. By now, it was lighting up the house. Not a lot, but enough for it to be a waste to light any candles.

The couple went their separate ways as Peter changed into his pajamas and Lily hung up her coat. A twinge of something knotted in her stomach as she saw that Daisy had returned from her short journey.

The Letter.

The Pregnancy.

James.

All of her thoughts from the previous day assailed her brain at once. Suddenly she was just as exhausted as her boyfriend.

She climbed into bed, and felt Peter play with the strands of her hair.

"How was work?" Her tone sounded so foreign; mechanical almost.

"It was fine…" he yawned. "How was the doctor's?"

"It was… fine…"

Lily fiddled with the covers, tracing the comforter's black swirled pattern in an attempt to calm herself. "Pete?" She waited for him to answer, but his fingers had stopped their caressing. Confused, she turned around, only to see him with eyes closed, breathing heavily.

She pushed herself up with her elbows and planted a kiss to his face; the area between his ear and eye. "I'm sorry…" she whispered in a voice barely audible to her own ear. And with a sigh, Lily turned over to her separate side and wished herself to sleep, so that she could wake up again, and have another moment of blissful ignorance.

_All I see are dark gray clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour __So when you'd ask, "Is something wrong?" I'd think_ _"You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now. No we can't talk about it now." _

**-Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie-**

Why is it that when you so desperately want to fall asleep the task is near impossible, yet when you know you should be awake and alert you can barely keep your eyes open?

Lily lay awake beside her boyfriend for nearly an hour. She tried everything to ease her mind: Occlumency, counting sheep, singing songs, pretending a crazy axe murderer was standing over her and if she moved or opened her eyes he'd kill her... But nothing worked. As 7:30 rolled around, Lily accepted defeat and rose from her Queen-sized bed.

She entered the kitchen with every attempt to make breakfast and sit down with a fresh glass of hot coffee, mulling things over in her mind, when the doorbell rang. Thinking it peculiar for someone to visit this early, Lily rushed over to her bedroom and closed the door, so that the sounds wouldn't wake Peter, and grabbed her coat in an attempt to cover the thin camisole of lace that covered her upper half.

The mysterious visitor rang the doorbell a second time, just as Lily pulled open the heavy front door.

"James." She stopped, the coldness of the outside air sending shivers through her body.

"Yeah… me… I'm sorry, are you going out?" James asked, surveying her outfit.

"Oh, no, I was just… yeah…"

Hazel eyes met green in a clash of emerald and gold, as black hair met red in a fury of fire against soot.

"Can I… come in?"

Lily glanced nervously behind her. The last thing she needed right now was for Peter to be awoken by their voices, and come to see what was going on.

"Uhm… or how about I step out?"

"Lily, its like ten degrees out, that's not good for the…" James trailed off, and for the second time, their eyes met; this time not clashing, but meshing together to form one golden-green eye.

Without a word, Lily stepped aside and let James pass through, into her house.

"Nice place."

"Thanks, we've been working on it for awhile…"

"We?"

"Yeah, me and my roommate… she's sleeping down the hall so we should keep it down."

"Oh, right." Instinctively, James' voice was softer and quieter.

"Would you like some coffee?" Lily asked, morphing into the kind hostess she was trained to become since birth.

"Yeah, coffee'd be nice."

Lily fixed him a cup and followed his voice into the den, making sure to sit on the couch opposite of him.

"So…"

The two sat awkwardly, unsure of what to say. The emotion behind both of their polite personas was intense and much too great to put into words.

James, always being the braver of the two, broke the silence first, "Lily, this news is… great."

"Is it?" Lily asked. "I mean… is it really? We can barely hold onto a relationship, let alone raise a child!"

"I know… but us Potters, we rise to the occasion."

"Do you really want to risk it on another life?" Lily asked, careful not to allow her voice to become too loud.

"Lily, I've dreamed of having children all my life. Of watching them perform their first spell, teaching them to ride a broomstick, for once watching the Hogwart's Express leave the station without me on it..." He got up and sat beside her, taking her hands into his. "And, truth is, theirs nobody else I'd want to share that with. We can do it, Lily, we just have to believe we can."

Lily's ears perked up as she heard noises coming from her bedroom. It was time for James to leave, and quickly.

"Yeah, yeah I guess your right." She flashed him her best rehearsed smile. "It's just good to know you're on board."

"Listen, tomorrow night is the Potter Annual Christmas Party, and I'd love for you to be my date."

"On Christmas Eve?"

"Yeah. If you already have plans I understand…"

"No, that'd be perfect what time?" Lily stood and pulled James to his feet as she heard the door open.

"I'll pick you up at 7…" James' tone became confused as Lily forcefully led him down the hall and yanked open the door.

"Alright, thanks for stopping by, see you!"

"Lily, what the hell is-" But Lily had shut the door in his face, just in time to see Peter standing in the hallway looking confused.

"Who was…?"

"Can you believe it? A salesperson this early!" Lily exclaimed incredulously.

"Really?" Peter looked somewhat excited. "I've never gotten a real door-to-door sales person before!"

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry we woke you…"

"It's alright, not your fault."

Lily breathed a sigh of relief as the door closed and she heard him climb back into bed. Things were about to get complicated.

-----

"That girl…" James whispered as he looked back upon the simple one-story house. Lily Evans was a mystery to him, and it took last night to make him realize he wanted to find out more. Before then, it had been all about the chase and the conquest. After they had slept together, he just had no desire to chase her. In essence, he had gotten what he had wanted.

But now…

"I won't let you down, Lil."

_Well I don't know if I'm ready  
To be the man I have to be  
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side  
We stand in awe, we've created life  
With arms wide open  
Under the sunlight  
Welcome to this place  
I'll show you everything  
With arms wide open  
Now everything has changed  
I'll show you love  
I'll show you everything_

**-With Arms Wide Open-**

-----

As the morning turned into afternoon, Lily could be seen sitting on her porch, waiting for Peter to wake up, absently sucking on an icicle. She needed to tell him about James, but she had no idea what she was going to say. '_I'm sorry Peter, but I fucked your best friend, and now I'm pregnant.'_ He definitely would not take that well.

She really just wanted to be alone. To sit by the fire with a glass of apple juice, since she couldn't have wine anymore, and listen to the calming ticking of the clock. But Peter was inside of that same house, and suddenly the size of their home wasn't big enough to fit all of Lily's thoughts.

She sighed and rubbed her temples, the stress of this whole unknown situation about to push her over the edge. Never had she done something so… sinful. She was the innocent little Evans girl. The girl-next-door who would sit on the first step of her parent's porch and lick icicles…

"Hey, babe," Peter whispered from behind her.

She gasped and dropped her icicle, the voice taking her by surprise. "Peter! Jesus Christ, you scared me!" The icicle hit the ground and splintered into a thousand pieces. She felt like her heart was going to do the same when he leaned over and kissed her cheek, whispering an 'I love you' into her ear.

So bittersweet were the words as they glided off his tongue. The sweet nothings that should've made her heart soar instead put a bitter taste in her mouth.

"Since it's my last night in town before I leave, what do you say about dressing up in some fancy clothes and going out to dinner?" He asked, taking a seat next to her on the stoop.

"Sounds good." Peter's parents lived in Worcestershire and relished in family-only Christmases. Lily was not considered family by Peter's overbearing mother, and therefore was not invited for the Pettigrew Family Christmas Events, which lasted four days. But Lily was going to another family's Christmas Party; a family that she was all-too-soon going to be apart of.

-----


	6. Chapter 5: The Potter's Christmas Party

**Author's Note-** Wow, I know it's been AGES since I've updated. I'm sorryyy, I just kinda moved on from fanfiction for awhile. But I rediscovered all of my stories while procrastinating and realized that I never posted this chapter. So here you go!

**Chapter Five of Bittersweet Irony: The Potter Family Christmas Party**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------**

**5:00 p.m. – Christmas Eve**

Tops were draped over the chair by the window and pants were scrunched in a pile on the floor, half-hidden by a carelessly strewn comforter. Shoes, earrings, necklaces, and bobby pins blanketed the vanity. Nothing that Lily owned seemed to make the cut tonight. She searched through her closet, praying she would find the perfect outfit between a barely worn lavender cashmere sweater and an old Hogwart's school robe. Her hair was wrapped in hot curlers, setting for the perfect amount of wave.

Why does she want to impress these people so badly? The people who will be there tonight are the same people that Lily ran away from sixteen years ago. They are the high class of society; the prominent doctors, lawyers, business men, and politicians of the muggle world, and the purebloods and highly respected Ministry Officials of the magical world. But it is James' world, his family; her child's family… _their_ child's family.

Lily began searching again with a greater vehemence. She knew from experience these sorts of people gave great heed to first impressions.

"Jesus, what am I doing…?" She thought aloud.

- - -

**6:57**

James hurried down the hall of his house, his body adorned with his best evening attire.

"Dad, I'm leaving! I'll see you there!" He called as he pulled on his leather jacket and headed for the fridge, where an arrangement of roses and baby's breath lay amongst the finest bed of greens, ready to be slid onto the creamy slender wrist of his date.

He carefully placed the gift in his inside pocket and apparated just as the clock reached five of seven.

***

**7:05 p.m.**

Here he was, once again looking upon the outside of Lily Evan's house. Never, in all his years of hiatus did he think he would be preparing himself to pick up his Hogwarts-Sweetheart and bring her to his parent's Christmas Party. He relished the moment, mentally preparing himself for the night ahead.

At the sound of the hollow _clunk!_ His fist made, a circus act erupted in his stomach, complete with somersaults and fire-breathing dragons.

The door pulled open, and James' breath caught in his throat in anticipation.

"Hey, James, I'm running a bit late, but come on in, I won't be long…"

This time, there was a reason for his lungs not to work. Lily was opening the door and motioning for him to step inside. She was wearing a simple black satin dress that looked as if it was made just for her. Her hair was half done up in an array of odd contraptions that James had never seen before, and she was pulling one out as he stepped inside, a bobby pin being held by her teeth. She ushered him inside and shut the door.

"doyawanting?" She asked, the bobby pins muffling her voice.

"Nah, I'm fine…"

"K, go ahead 'nd si', I'll be thur in a sec'…"

James nodded and sat on the couch, watching as Lily hurried back to her bedroom. His mid drifted back to when he was here the previous day, sitting in this same spot…

- - -

_"Lily, this news is… great."_

_"Is it? I mean… is it really? We can barely hold onto a relationship, let alone raise a child!"_

_"I know… but us Potters, we rise to the occasion."_

_"Do you really want to risk it on another life?" _

_- - -_

It was his chance to prove himself. Tonight, the magic of Christmas filled him with hope; over 1900 years ago, a virgin gave birth to the child of God, to save Jewish people everywhere. James had never considered himself to be a very religious man, but now more than ever he felt God's presence; a connection that made him sure that he was in the right place at the right time. Tonight would prove to be magical.

"I think… I am ready," Lily said, re-entering the room with her coat and purse slung casually on her arm, looking around for some unknown artifact she needed for tonight.

James smiled at her, she was so beautiful. He went light-headed, and stared at her in a whole new light. She had finished off her look with a silver drop-necklace and matching earrings, her hair pinned back with silver pins, and a pair of classy silver stilettos.

This was the girl he was going to spend forever with; the girl who would stand beside him in sickness and in health, as long as they both shall live. This was Lily Evans, more than the mother of his baby, more than his Hogwarts Sweet-Heart… she was the love of his life. In retrospect, he had known he would spend forever with her the moment he had first laid eyes on her, their first year at Hogwarts. Then, she was the shy, muggle-born who sat on the stool with her foot nervously tapping, her face flaming red at what the hat was saying to her. Now, she stood before him, a beautiful woman who had such _elegance_ without even trying. James had chased her, not knowing what it was that kept her constantly on his mind. Now everything made sense: the butterflies, the fear of screwing up, the dizziness, it all led to the same thing. He had pushed her away, but fate knew they were meant to be together. Fate knew they needed this baby to glue their stubborn hearts together. James Potter was hopelessly in love with Lily Evans.

**7:35 p.m. The Potter's Annual Christmas Party**

Lily and James entered the rented restaurant with butterflies in their stomach. The music could be heard as they pulled into the room, and heads turned as James waved at a group to their left, who all held an uncanny resemblance to the man greeting them. James' family.

"Prongs!" The couple's attention was diverted to a man rushing over with long black hair that fall casually into his equally black eyes.

"Padfoot!" James said, smiling. The two exchanged a brotherly hug. "Merry Christmas, man."

"Excuse my manners…" he said, turning to Lily. "I'm Sirius Black, this bloke's best mate. And you are…?"

Lily smirked. Sirius clearly hadn't recognized her. "Merry Christmas, Black."

Sirius looked at her quizzically for a moment before realization dawned on his face. "Lily Evans. How the hell are you?" He hugged her.

"I'm doing alright…" she began, before Sirius cut her off again.

"Lily Evans and James Potter are here, together, at the Potter's Annual Christmas Party? What a shock." He exchanged a look with James, but James just stared right back, knowing that Lily was also surveying the look.

"Oh! There's my dad!" James said, taking Lily's hand and steering her over to a group of stuffy-looking Ministry Officials who looked all-too-natural in their suits. "We'll catch up with you later, Padfoot…"

"Have fun."

***

**9:00 p.m.**

"Good God, I thought we'd never get away," James whispered exasperatedly as he took a shot of firewhiskey at the bar.

Lily giggled. "They were very nice, James."

"Nice, yes. Interesting? No."

"Do you remember my sister, Petunia?"

"Vaguely…"

"Well, she has this new boyfriend, Vernon Dursley, and those men held an uncanny resemblance to him."

James laughed heartily, "With a name like 'Vernon Dursley' the poor bloke had it coming to him. Don't worry, though, you'll see a whole new side of my dad when it's just us at the house."

Lily smiled in spite of herself, wondering if James realized he had refrained from saying 'my house', and implied a follow-up visit with his family.

"Oh, look, there's Remus! Merlin, I haven't seen him at all this past year!" James waved at Remus and motioned for him to join the pair at the bar. As he got nearer, Lily noticed he had a scar beneath his right eye that she'd never noticed during their time spent together at Hogwarts. His hair also looked to be prematurely thinning.

"Hey, mate, how have you been?" he approached James with a smile and the two embraced in the same brotherly hug shared between James and Sirius earlier.

"Can't Complain! Where did you run off to this past year?"

Remus gave James a meaningful look and mumbled something Lily couldn't hear. James quickly changed the subject and turned to bring Lily into the conversation

"I assume you remember the stunning Lily Evans?"

"Lily?" Remus gave James a fleeting glance, but approached Lily with a smile on her face, giving her a hug. "How are you? Jesus, it must have been..."

"Ten years?" Lily finished for him, hugging him back.

"Nah, can't be, I'm still twenty-years-old," Remus responded with a wink.

A bark-like laugh interrupted their circle as Sirius joined the group. "Yeah, and how many years have you been twenty, mate?"

"Shove off," Remus joked, giving Sirius a friendly shove. "Well, this is quite the little reunion we're having here, isn't it?"

"Yeah, all we need is Pettigrew and the whole gang would be back together."

Lily shifted uncomfortably, and felt her upper lip begin to perspire.

"Speaking of Pettigrew, has anyone heard from him lately?" James asked conversationally.

"God, I haven't gotten a letter from him in… ages. Probably not since Hogwarts," Remus replied with a frown.

"Do you think he's gone over to the dark side?"

Lily couldn't help but laugh, and then follow with a blush as all three looked at her with an appraised look.

"Lily, you were pretty close with Pettigrew at Hogwarts, have you heard from him?" Sirius asked.

"Erm, yeah, I have. He's doing well; definitely _not_ on the, what did you say, Remus, the 'dark side'? Yeah, no, he's quite in the light. He's doing well."

Sirius gave her an unreadable look and the silence following Lily's response was terribly awkward. She felt herself grow increasingly hot, and a pang of guilt shoot through her veins. Instinctively, Lily felt herself let go of James' hand.

Lily was saved from a further explanation by a plump woman in a neon yellow gown calling out to James and Remus.

"Excuse us for a moment, please." James grabbed Lily's hand and gave her a momentary squeeze before going off to do some of his best schmoozing.

**11:47 p.m.**

Lily wandered the room, pausing to talk to a few familiar faces and old acquaintances. She ran into, not only her old boss at St. Mungo's, she had worked at the Magical hospital for only a year before she quit to escape wizarding life, but also her old potions teacher, Professor Slughorn, who engaged her in an hour-long conversation about the sleeping draught Lily had brewed in her fifth year.

Now, Lily was searching for James. She spotted Sirius in the corner, and went over to him to see if he knew where his best friend was.

"Hey, Sirius, have you seen James?"

Sirius laughed and Lily noticed he had trouble focusing on her face. "Lose him already? How long's it been, a day?"

Lily tried to laugh his rudeness off, but felt a blush creep faintly into her cheeks. "A day? It's actually only been since 5:00. We saw each other on the street and he couldn't get anyone else to be his date so I obliged."

Sirius stepped closer, and when he spoke next, Lily could smell the alcohol on his breath, "Please, you had to've given him a good shag to get brought here."

"And that is supposed to mean…?" Lily kept a fake smile plastered on her face as the group of Ministry officials she and James had been bored to death by earlier in the evening walked past.

"James was done with you for good, then allasudden you're here. And I've been thinking to myself, 'Sirius, why'd James get wrapped up with the Evans girl again? Then I saw your cleavage, and thought, ah! Exactly!"

"You no good, worthless, pig…" Lily rounded on Sirius with fire in her eyes, her hand instinctively going for her wand. Unfortunately she felt a firm grip on her hand.

"Whoa, Evans, calm down. He doesn't know what he's saying…"

"Yes I do, Remus!" Sirius called out, raising his arm in protest, and causing himself to go slightly off-balance.

"What's going on?" James had approached, wrapping an arm protectively around Lily's middle, his hand lingering on her stomach for a fraction of a second too long.

Sirius chortled and opened his mouth to speak, but Remus cut him off. "Nothing, just chatting… Sirius is shit-faced."

"Yeah, about that, Sirius my dad said you better Floo back and sleep it off, 'cause he's not cleaning up your puke all morning like last year."

Sirius laughed and said, "Yeah, yeah…" before stumbling out of the room, not before giving Lily one last amused look.

"Well, Miss Evans, I believe you owe me a dance." James whispered in Lily's ear. She turned around and smiled, taking his hand as they moved to the dance floor.

***

**3:08 a.m.**

Lily lay in bed, thinking about the night. As sleep gripped the tips of her eyelashes, magnetically pulling them together, her mind was at work, trying to go over every aspect so that nothing would be forgotten come morning.

Lily and James had left the party around 1:30, when James had walked Lily home under the stars. He'd performed a warming charm around them to keep her warm, and the winter sky was magnificent.

But nothing was better than the good-night kiss. Lily had forgotten how great they were. The parting at the door and the coy looks; the will-they, won't-they moment which seemed to last forever, until he leaned in and kissed her deeply, passionately, but gently at the same time, as if she was a precious piece of glass he didn't want to break. And then it was over, and both turned their separate ways, smiling, but not wanting the other to see their smiles, with a promise to see each other the next day.

How was it that only two nights ago, she was sending him that letter, and only three nights ago she resented his every being. Now, she was falling in love.


End file.
